気持ちが... とっても複雑になる。そうしようもなく、ただ逃げてるだけさ。他人から、自分から...
あの友達はまた私に声を掛けられた。悩み事を言うってな、しかも外で会って言う。あっさりと断った。理由はあまりなかったが、あってもはただ聞きたくないだけさ。テストがあるの理由で追い払うが、なんか私は嘘つきになった。けど、認めるわ。いくら他人に私のことはどんなに優しいと言われても、私はいつも自分のことが偽善者と思うしかない。他人に優しいのは、自分が他人を傷つけることはできないだけかも知れない。結局ながら、私はただの偽善者、嘘つきだ。私は自分を越えられない、だからこそ以前のままだ。
ある友達は「変わるなよ」って言ってくれた。変わるかどうかはまだ分からないけど、でも、私はそう思う、私が変わる時はきっと多く変わる。多分、あれが本当の私かも。今の私は本当の私なのか、それとも偽りの私か。分からない、分かりたくもない。あ、友達もそう言った、「悩みがあるとき、話そうよ、友達はその為のものじゃないか」っと。彼の気持ちは分かるさ、けどよ。よく考えば、あれはただ友達を聞き手になるだけじゃないさ。そんなの、ただ自分の不安を他人に拡散するだけだ。俺はいやだ。悩みがあれば自分で解決すると、それが私のやり方だ。たとえ話したとしても、解決しない限り、悩みはずっといるさ。
私が欲しいのは、私が悲しむ時、悩んでる時、一人になりたいんだ。君たちは何も言わずに、私のそばでいてくればいいんだ。
My mood is very complex. I am helpless against this and just escape. From other, from myself...
That friend asked me again that he had trouble, and wanted to tell with me and yet talk outside. I flatly refused it. There is no reason to refuse it, even I have the reason, it just be that I do not wanted to listen it. I used the reason that I have a examination to refuse, though, I am thinking that I had become a lier. But I admitted it. No matter they said how kind I am, I am thinking that I am just a hypocrite. Be kind, maybe it just only that I am unable to hurt other. In the end, I am just a hypocrite , a lier. I will be same as before as long as I can't go over myself.
A friend said that to me, " Don't change, dude." I do not know that I will be changing or no yet, but I think that if I changed, it must be a complete change of myself. Maybe that is real me. What is the "me" now is? Real or false? I don't know, and I don't want to know. That frend had said this, "If you have any trouble, speak it out, that's why friend here." I know what he mean but... Think it clearly, doesn't it only make friends to become a listener? Doesn't this just diffuse our ansiety to other? I hate to do it. If you have any trouble, solve it yourself, that is my way to settle my trouble. Even you speak it out , as long as you do not solve it, the trouble will still exist.
What I wanted is, when I am sad, when I am distress, just left me alone. This is enough that you don't have to speak anything but stay beside me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
True that we probably can't help you at all,
ReplyDeleteBut hey, it's good to know how you're doing,
And no, problems don't pass around,
You won't trouble anyone by telling anyone,
But it will have more brains to solve the problem,
Don't look down on us.
That is what I am afraid of,
I told you isn't it?
That everything is just an illusion,
And after you wake up and gone just like that,
But actually, I know the answer.
If it's just an illusion,
Then it means you want it so much,
If you want it so much,
Why don't you get them?
So you don't be shy to yourself,
You can be anything you want,
IF you truly desired upon it.